through watery light
and bubbles floating away
horizon peers down
evaporation
watering can to dry soil
last sips on your lips
empty sleeve hanging
don't let him see me searching
for what is missing
purpose diluted
by words that spread thin feeling
digging for the still
my eyes dig the sky
where beneath the blue is gray
and where is the rain
the clouds grow bigger
while within warm container
I evaporate
quickly plug the holes
all my hands are full you see
while I pour out into space
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
2013 On The Way Out
Everything just sucks!
I know you already this, but you may have forgotten amidst the New Year's Excitement.
I didn't.
Let's go back a few weeks. So after finishing 2.5 years of grad school (waste of time and money) I went with my wife to Orr Hot Springs...for just one day! We didn't even stay the night, so I spent as much time driving as soaking in rich, refreshing mineral water.
But wait, let's rewind.
In 2012 I spent the entire October AND December being sick. It was the second of 3 years where I was sick over New Years Eve...coincidently the same years the Giants won the World Series. Anyway, I have been really careful not to get sick all of 2013. And I made it a year!
I work with old people and little kids and I didn't get sick all year. Amazing!
But then my wife gets sick. And then, after a few weeks, I do. But I did everything right! I don't touch my eyes ever, I gargle Listerine for 30 seconds like 3 times a day, and I never, ever do anything fun. But I still got sick. (stomps on floor)
The good news: At Orr Hot Springs I got all better. 100%! Great! No more snot. Cool! Time to drive!
A few days later just in time for Christmas, my nose and throat are all itchy. But I just want to have a nice Christmas with my family! (stomps floor)
Then, just when I am feeling better, my throat gets all sore. Like so sore I can barely swallow, and I feel all tired and get the chills. Some vacation this is. I wish I was dead!
Then, as I am hoping I will all better for The biggest New Years Eve Party EVER, I make dinner for my wife and I. I get the salmon ready, put it in the oven, wash my hands, get the squash ready. Cool.
A few hours later I am feeling a little weird. You okay honey? She is. The feeling isn't going away. We watch some stuff on Netflix, and I get the irresistible urge to watch The Family Guy Scene where they all throw up. Why did I want to see this? I guess I was feeling weird and thought of it. But maybe I was like a dog who has an upset stomach and goes outback and eats grass to induce vomiting. Just as the clip ended I ran into the bathroom and closed the door.
I lifted the toilet seat and leaned forward, ready to, most likely, throw up dinner. What happened next makes "throwing up" seem like an understatement. My body rolled like the dance move called a body roll. My belly came down, then my chest then my head. A sharp pain pinched my upper back and projectile vomited hard into the toilet. I yelled as I did it. It hurt terribly. After about 5 or 6 of these amazingly painful fits, my diced dinner was floating int he toilet and I watch catching my breath. My head was a little light and My skin had broken into a hot, then cold sweat. I wiped up what had missed, gargled some mouthwash and came back to bed.
We watched some of The New Girl. I was feeling good, but this wasn't to last. I began to feel odd again, slightly nauseous, then more so, and ran into the bathroom for yet another projectile, yelling, back pinching, vomit. This time my temperature was extremely hot/cold, and I had unfortunately missed much of the toilet. I felt dizzy as most of my food for the day and any recent water was gone. "I'm sorry honey, I can't clean this up." I muttered as I swished some mouthwash and got back in bed, this time feeling a headache coming on.
My wife had been very supportive so far. Asking if I was okay while I yelled out in pain, asking if I needed anything, saying I didn't look so good. But then she looked into the bathroom. whatever she had expected, this was far, far worse. Besides the toilet, floor, and bathmat, I had left my slippers and pants, both of which were now soiled. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I muttered from my warm bed.
She closed the bathroom door and went into the living room. She paced back and forth, her hand on her chin. She soon came to the threshold of the bedroom. Apparently the expansive vomit had turned her brain to mush.
"Um, how do I..." she began.
"Get a towel, mop it up most of it. Throw away the towel. Spray with the cleaner and wipe down." I'd already figured it out. Apparently controlling my body was as impossible as stopping my mind from running over endless scenarios of cleaning in the span of thirty seconds.
Thus is the tale of the first two explosive projectile vomits. There would be a few more, some charcoal pills to calm my stomach, some small attempts at meals and drinking, all of which came out undigested...from somewhere or another...over the next 24 hours.
"Oh, you had a 24 hours bug," everyone says with authority, just before walking outside, pointing to the sky and saying "sun"
Thanks for nothing, friends!
Then as I got better, my sickness came back. Like it was just waiting for the bigger, tougher bully to leave before coming back with the same old snot.
YEAR OF THE HORSE BEGINS!
But I got better. Then the rest of 2014 (before the year of the horse began) was terrible, but somehow we all survived so I'm feeling good. My 36th year and 4th horse year have been pretty good so far. But I'll always remember that fateful day where I threw up 4 times and sharted twice.
I know you already this, but you may have forgotten amidst the New Year's Excitement.
I didn't.
Let's go back a few weeks. So after finishing 2.5 years of grad school (waste of time and money) I went with my wife to Orr Hot Springs...for just one day! We didn't even stay the night, so I spent as much time driving as soaking in rich, refreshing mineral water.
But wait, let's rewind.
In 2012 I spent the entire October AND December being sick. It was the second of 3 years where I was sick over New Years Eve...coincidently the same years the Giants won the World Series. Anyway, I have been really careful not to get sick all of 2013. And I made it a year!
I work with old people and little kids and I didn't get sick all year. Amazing!
But then my wife gets sick. And then, after a few weeks, I do. But I did everything right! I don't touch my eyes ever, I gargle Listerine for 30 seconds like 3 times a day, and I never, ever do anything fun. But I still got sick. (stomps on floor)
The good news: At Orr Hot Springs I got all better. 100%! Great! No more snot. Cool! Time to drive!
A few days later just in time for Christmas, my nose and throat are all itchy. But I just want to have a nice Christmas with my family! (stomps floor)
Then, just when I am feeling better, my throat gets all sore. Like so sore I can barely swallow, and I feel all tired and get the chills. Some vacation this is. I wish I was dead!
Then, as I am hoping I will all better for The biggest New Years Eve Party EVER, I make dinner for my wife and I. I get the salmon ready, put it in the oven, wash my hands, get the squash ready. Cool.
A few hours later I am feeling a little weird. You okay honey? She is. The feeling isn't going away. We watch some stuff on Netflix, and I get the irresistible urge to watch The Family Guy Scene where they all throw up. Why did I want to see this? I guess I was feeling weird and thought of it. But maybe I was like a dog who has an upset stomach and goes outback and eats grass to induce vomiting. Just as the clip ended I ran into the bathroom and closed the door.
I lifted the toilet seat and leaned forward, ready to, most likely, throw up dinner. What happened next makes "throwing up" seem like an understatement. My body rolled like the dance move called a body roll. My belly came down, then my chest then my head. A sharp pain pinched my upper back and projectile vomited hard into the toilet. I yelled as I did it. It hurt terribly. After about 5 or 6 of these amazingly painful fits, my diced dinner was floating int he toilet and I watch catching my breath. My head was a little light and My skin had broken into a hot, then cold sweat. I wiped up what had missed, gargled some mouthwash and came back to bed.
We watched some of The New Girl. I was feeling good, but this wasn't to last. I began to feel odd again, slightly nauseous, then more so, and ran into the bathroom for yet another projectile, yelling, back pinching, vomit. This time my temperature was extremely hot/cold, and I had unfortunately missed much of the toilet. I felt dizzy as most of my food for the day and any recent water was gone. "I'm sorry honey, I can't clean this up." I muttered as I swished some mouthwash and got back in bed, this time feeling a headache coming on.
My wife had been very supportive so far. Asking if I was okay while I yelled out in pain, asking if I needed anything, saying I didn't look so good. But then she looked into the bathroom. whatever she had expected, this was far, far worse. Besides the toilet, floor, and bathmat, I had left my slippers and pants, both of which were now soiled. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I muttered from my warm bed.
She closed the bathroom door and went into the living room. She paced back and forth, her hand on her chin. She soon came to the threshold of the bedroom. Apparently the expansive vomit had turned her brain to mush.
"Um, how do I..." she began.
"Get a towel, mop it up most of it. Throw away the towel. Spray with the cleaner and wipe down." I'd already figured it out. Apparently controlling my body was as impossible as stopping my mind from running over endless scenarios of cleaning in the span of thirty seconds.
Thus is the tale of the first two explosive projectile vomits. There would be a few more, some charcoal pills to calm my stomach, some small attempts at meals and drinking, all of which came out undigested...from somewhere or another...over the next 24 hours.
"Oh, you had a 24 hours bug," everyone says with authority, just before walking outside, pointing to the sky and saying "sun"
Thanks for nothing, friends!
Then as I got better, my sickness came back. Like it was just waiting for the bigger, tougher bully to leave before coming back with the same old snot.
YEAR OF THE HORSE BEGINS!
But I got better. Then the rest of 2014 (before the year of the horse began) was terrible, but somehow we all survived so I'm feeling good. My 36th year and 4th horse year have been pretty good so far. But I'll always remember that fateful day where I threw up 4 times and sharted twice.
Haikus 6: Shadows Ground
so much of these steps
I've already forgotten
when I can look back
their lives warm chaos
sifting into my two ears
finally frozen
walk below storm clouds
thunder rolls over my skin
lighting forgotten
changing ground shadows
the higher sun in the sky
every day I'm growing
the need to make lists
beneath the naming panic
air filled with algae
walking sand filled shoes
so far from the horizon
wind blowing through cloak
the walls closing in
whats not working is me
when will roof topple
every word cuts through
every stone falls where I stand
every distance gone
why shake fist at cloud
it has stopped raining they say
but we are all wet
I've already forgotten
when I can look back
their lives warm chaos
sifting into my two ears
finally frozen
walk below storm clouds
thunder rolls over my skin
lighting forgotten
changing ground shadows
the higher sun in the sky
every day I'm growing
the need to make lists
beneath the naming panic
air filled with algae
walking sand filled shoes
so far from the horizon
wind blowing through cloak
the walls closing in
whats not working is me
when will roof topple
every word cuts through
every stone falls where I stand
every distance gone
why shake fist at cloud
it has stopped raining they say
but we are all wet
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Theft
As 2013 draws to a close I am thinking about how my creativity will flourish in 2014.
It's time to steal!
I was recently gifted(though it was actually given to my wife)...and I am not really sure who gave it to her(us). I will just say that it was contentious amongst the givers who was giving and who was receiving. But that's okay because the book was called Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon.
In a side note he moved to Austin. My friend LA moved to LA. Names can influence jobs too!
The gist of the book is that nothing is original, and that a good artist steals from many things rather than one, and mashes them all together into their own creative smoothie. Then the book gives ways to stay creative and productive. It also says when people give advice it is really to their younger selves, so maybe this distant boom is for past Dan.
Dear Past Dan,
Hey Dan! I guess it's not too far in the past or you would be Daniel, but in middle school you were so uncool the one thing you could do was go by your nickname to try to turn things around. How it that working out for you?
Past Dan: That's funny! I'm actually writing a letter to Daniel, me at 6 years old. I'm telling him to stop peeing the bed and to not be OCD. What a weirdo!
Present Dan: I know, right! (Past and Present Dan high five) Well, stop for a second and listen up,
Keep writing. Keep being creative. It all connects. You're not going to get famous by writing 3 novels and never finishing them. All your passions connect. Create alone and with other people. Don't be in box. You can be a serious writer and be a silly clown and be manly and also be emotional. And all of this can be apparent at the same time. You aren't a great rapper but you are pretty funny. Lonely Island is gonna be famous before you anyway. And that haircut when you part your hair down the middle: not working. The short blonde goatee: not working. You can barely see it, so just blends with your face and makes your jaw look kinda pixelated. Bring coolant on your road trips and enjoy your friends and family, Bindlestiff, and anything you love. It won't all be there by the time I write this. And be nice to little Daniel in the letter!
Love,
Present Dan (2013)
PS: In the future, you can talk to your letters and they can talk back.
So anyway...2013...I did some good stuff. I finished grad school, wrote 100 pages of a novel, and feel my life is a little more balanced with friends and family than a year ago. I'm also still struggling with social anxiety and how to be the best Dan I can be. Oh, what's this? A silver envelope with my name flashing on the cover! Let's open it....
Dear Past(2013) Dan,
Hello Dan. This is your Future Self, The actually Present Dan(2023). I'm 45! I wanted to say to be nice to yourself, and all your past selves. They are just doing the best they can, and so are you, and don't deserve to be insulted. Sure they seem silly now, and you seem silly to me, but so what? What is so bad about you, or anyone? In the future we don't lament these things. There's not enough food and water and cable shows, but we all moved to the moon where I'm REALLY good at basketball.
When you steal ideas and use them, do it with love. Do everything with love. I don't mean in a cheesy way(whatever that means...we use different slang now) I mean it in a respectful way. Don't just culturally appropriate, but learn from and use for the world. It's a slippery slope, but at least you're not on the moon and don't need to keep tumbling down it for 30 miles, and you lost control and shat your suit, and then you were stuck with that smell while you waited for a rescue crew...for 3 hours!!!!!!!!
Well, I've got to go watch myself on TV. Yeah, it's the new Reality show, where we watch a show of cameras that follows you around. My favorite camera is the one in my throat so I can see my food after it comes into my mouth. Let's see what I'm doing. Oh, I'm writing a letter. Now I'm taking it to my building's time travel mailbox. I don't have my own yet, but don't judge me I'm saving up for one, so I can send letters to the past at all hours of the day. Oh look it's a letter from my future....it says..."don't waste money on a personal time travel mailbox. Just walk down the hall." but if I sent this from my own mailbox, and I don't get it, then that means...(time travel paradox implodes the universe. Nothing is left but this moment)
Love,
D. Joseph Weil (in the future we always use our first initial. And I know you're wondering how I signed the letter but get over it)
It's time to steal!
I was recently gifted(though it was actually given to my wife)...and I am not really sure who gave it to her(us). I will just say that it was contentious amongst the givers who was giving and who was receiving. But that's okay because the book was called Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon.
In a side note he moved to Austin. My friend LA moved to LA. Names can influence jobs too!
The gist of the book is that nothing is original, and that a good artist steals from many things rather than one, and mashes them all together into their own creative smoothie. Then the book gives ways to stay creative and productive. It also says when people give advice it is really to their younger selves, so maybe this distant boom is for past Dan.
Dear Past Dan,
Hey Dan! I guess it's not too far in the past or you would be Daniel, but in middle school you were so uncool the one thing you could do was go by your nickname to try to turn things around. How it that working out for you?
Past Dan: That's funny! I'm actually writing a letter to Daniel, me at 6 years old. I'm telling him to stop peeing the bed and to not be OCD. What a weirdo!
Present Dan: I know, right! (Past and Present Dan high five) Well, stop for a second and listen up,
Keep writing. Keep being creative. It all connects. You're not going to get famous by writing 3 novels and never finishing them. All your passions connect. Create alone and with other people. Don't be in box. You can be a serious writer and be a silly clown and be manly and also be emotional. And all of this can be apparent at the same time. You aren't a great rapper but you are pretty funny. Lonely Island is gonna be famous before you anyway. And that haircut when you part your hair down the middle: not working. The short blonde goatee: not working. You can barely see it, so just blends with your face and makes your jaw look kinda pixelated. Bring coolant on your road trips and enjoy your friends and family, Bindlestiff, and anything you love. It won't all be there by the time I write this. And be nice to little Daniel in the letter!
Love,
Present Dan (2013)
PS: In the future, you can talk to your letters and they can talk back.
So anyway...2013...I did some good stuff. I finished grad school, wrote 100 pages of a novel, and feel my life is a little more balanced with friends and family than a year ago. I'm also still struggling with social anxiety and how to be the best Dan I can be. Oh, what's this? A silver envelope with my name flashing on the cover! Let's open it....
Dear Past(2013) Dan,
Hello Dan. This is your Future Self, The actually Present Dan(2023). I'm 45! I wanted to say to be nice to yourself, and all your past selves. They are just doing the best they can, and so are you, and don't deserve to be insulted. Sure they seem silly now, and you seem silly to me, but so what? What is so bad about you, or anyone? In the future we don't lament these things. There's not enough food and water and cable shows, but we all moved to the moon where I'm REALLY good at basketball.
When you steal ideas and use them, do it with love. Do everything with love. I don't mean in a cheesy way(whatever that means...we use different slang now) I mean it in a respectful way. Don't just culturally appropriate, but learn from and use for the world. It's a slippery slope, but at least you're not on the moon and don't need to keep tumbling down it for 30 miles, and you lost control and shat your suit, and then you were stuck with that smell while you waited for a rescue crew...for 3 hours!!!!!!!!
Well, I've got to go watch myself on TV. Yeah, it's the new Reality show, where we watch a show of cameras that follows you around. My favorite camera is the one in my throat so I can see my food after it comes into my mouth. Let's see what I'm doing. Oh, I'm writing a letter. Now I'm taking it to my building's time travel mailbox. I don't have my own yet, but don't judge me I'm saving up for one, so I can send letters to the past at all hours of the day. Oh look it's a letter from my future....it says..."don't waste money on a personal time travel mailbox. Just walk down the hall." but if I sent this from my own mailbox, and I don't get it, then that means...(time travel paradox implodes the universe. Nothing is left but this moment)
Love,
D. Joseph Weil (in the future we always use our first initial. And I know you're wondering how I signed the letter but get over it)
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Neptune
In a far away country
as foreign as Neptune
there is a trailer
left to rest on a cliff above the ocean
Some days it is a green hill
some days gold and dry
with laundry blowing in the sun's breeze.
A black and white lady
snores luxuriously in the sun
even as her eyes are clouding over
She won't notice what she loses in time
only what she has.
Somewhere nearby
Iron & Wine is playing and
two people are falling in love.
The country is long gone
as is the trailer
and the black and white lady
They have swam back out into the sea.
Here on the coast
two people are falling in love
as foreign as Neptune
there is a trailer
left to rest on a cliff above the ocean
Some days it is a green hill
some days gold and dry
with laundry blowing in the sun's breeze.
A black and white lady
snores luxuriously in the sun
even as her eyes are clouding over
She won't notice what she loses in time
only what she has.
Somewhere nearby
Iron & Wine is playing and
two people are falling in love.
The country is long gone
as is the trailer
and the black and white lady
They have swam back out into the sea.
Here on the coast
two people are falling in love
Friday, June 28, 2013
Yep, More Haikus
take a long look out
squint your eye at the horizon
eyelash fuzziness
madness trickeld down
but he stayed dry under a rock
and then down it fell
birth a cymbal crash
that echoes then it fades
echoes hear nothing
sand in fingernails
blow through the grooves of my brain
mind is a sandstorm
the pain and the cure
two different sides of the coin
blurring the air
pinhole of feeling
spin out through the galaxy
we are all star stuff
please please stop talking
your words don't mean anything
can we please just move
oh shit that's my life
concreting the mountains
story is the same
fathers and sons alway
why do I keep looking through leaves
crouched in the same tree
through the windows glass
sun, wind and viruses dance
sick boy now sick man
music and laughter
bouncing ball the floor the wall
smile in dappled leaves
castles made of sand
fall away like a close shave
feel air when no wind
squint your eye at the horizon
eyelash fuzziness
madness trickeld down
but he stayed dry under a rock
and then down it fell
birth a cymbal crash
that echoes then it fades
echoes hear nothing
sand in fingernails
blow through the grooves of my brain
mind is a sandstorm
the pain and the cure
two different sides of the coin
blurring the air
pinhole of feeling
spin out through the galaxy
we are all star stuff
please please stop talking
your words don't mean anything
can we please just move
oh shit that's my life
concreting the mountains
story is the same
fathers and sons alway
why do I keep looking through leaves
crouched in the same tree
through the windows glass
sun, wind and viruses dance
sick boy now sick man
music and laughter
bouncing ball the floor the wall
smile in dappled leaves
castles made of sand
fall away like a close shave
feel air when no wind
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Haikus 4 and Beyond
sunshine the burn shine
bright new shoes for the jingle
barefoot still you stare
leaf shiver raindrop
threatened by the fall to dirt
taken by the sun
the tables with food
turned away from the wanting
mirrors divide spoils
desert throat looking
for moist air from mountain trees
fed by rotting soul
the spirit of the times
floating over our faces
masks upon the mask
(this next little poem was written without normal grammar. It was during a training or something and I tried to just let the words g to me, brought by the previous word and my mood but not by literal meaning. It was fun!)
when the breaking is for leaving
containing the fall
stand still in blown
sad slice epidermal
squirrel instantly beneath
Dan Updates:
MUSIC:
We (Beat Salad ) have got 5 songs now!
Performing in Sebastopol on June 8 at the Hopmonk!
No summer break! Aaaaa. Full throttle til about a month off in August, then back for my final semester!
Writing:
I am working on a story. Been trying to write every day in 2013, but hasn't always happened. I am getting back into it. I have a story up over 30 pages right now and is going well. Not really ready to post yet, but includes some old and new(to me) themes: Parents, memory, talking cats, death, dementia, immigration, therapy, anxiety. Working title: The Dark Side Of The Moon.
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