Sunday, April 27, 2014

2013 On The Way Out

Everything just sucks!

I know you already this, but you may have forgotten amidst the New Year's Excitement.

I didn't.

Let's go back a few weeks.  So after finishing 2.5 years of grad school (waste of time and money) I went with my wife to Orr Hot Springs...for just one day!  We didn't even stay the night, so I spent as much time driving as soaking in rich, refreshing mineral water.

But wait, let's rewind.

In 2012 I spent the entire October AND December being sick.  It was the second of 3 years where I was sick over New Years Eve...coincidently the same years the Giants won the World Series.  Anyway, I have been really careful not to get sick all of 2013.  And I made it a year!

I work with old people and little kids and I didn't get sick all year.  Amazing!

But then my wife gets sick.  And then, after a few weeks, I do.  But I did everything right!  I don't touch my eyes ever, I gargle Listerine for 30 seconds like 3 times a day, and I never, ever do anything fun.  But I still got sick.  (stomps on floor)

The good news:  At Orr Hot Springs I got all better.  100%!  Great!  No more snot.  Cool!  Time to drive!

A few days later just in time for Christmas, my nose and throat are all itchy.  But I just want to have a nice Christmas with my family!  (stomps floor)

Then, just when I am feeling better, my throat gets all sore.  Like so sore I can barely swallow, and I feel all tired and get the chills.  Some vacation this is.  I wish I was dead!

Then, as I am hoping I will all better for The biggest New Years Eve Party EVER, I make dinner for my wife and I.  I get the salmon ready, put it in the oven, wash my hands, get the squash ready.  Cool.

A few hours later I am feeling a little weird.  You okay honey?  She is.  The feeling isn't going away.  We watch some stuff on Netflix, and I get the irresistible urge to watch The Family Guy Scene where they all throw up.  Why did I want to see this?  I guess I was feeling weird and thought of it.  But maybe I was like a dog who has an upset stomach and goes outback and eats grass to induce vomiting.  Just as the clip ended I ran into the bathroom and closed the door.

I lifted the toilet seat and leaned forward, ready to, most likely, throw up dinner.  What happened next makes "throwing up" seem like an understatement.  My body rolled like the dance move called a body roll.  My belly came down, then my chest then my head.  A sharp pain pinched my upper back and projectile vomited hard into the toilet.  I yelled as I did it.  It hurt terribly.  After about 5 or 6 of these amazingly painful fits, my diced dinner was floating int he toilet and I watch catching my breath.  My head was a little light and My skin had broken into a hot, then cold sweat.  I wiped up what had missed, gargled some mouthwash and came back to bed.

We watched some of The New Girl.  I was feeling good, but this wasn't to last.  I began to feel odd again, slightly nauseous, then more so, and ran into the bathroom for yet another projectile, yelling, back pinching, vomit.  This time my temperature was extremely hot/cold, and I had unfortunately missed much of the toilet.  I felt dizzy as most of my food for the day and any recent water was gone.  "I'm sorry honey, I can't clean this up."  I muttered as I swished some mouthwash and got back in bed, this time feeling a headache coming on.

My wife had been very supportive so far.  Asking if I was okay while I yelled out in pain, asking if I needed anything, saying I didn't look so good.  But then she looked into the bathroom.  whatever she had expected, this was far, far worse.  Besides the toilet, floor, and bathmat, I had left my slippers and pants, both of which were now soiled.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I muttered from my warm bed.

She closed the bathroom door and went into the living room.  She paced back and forth, her hand on her chin.  She soon came to the threshold of the bedroom.  Apparently the expansive vomit had turned her brain to mush.

"Um, how do I..." she began.

"Get a towel, mop it up most of it.  Throw away the towel.  Spray with the cleaner and wipe down." I'd already figured it out. Apparently controlling my body was as impossible as stopping my mind from running over endless scenarios of cleaning in the span of thirty seconds.

Thus is the tale of the first two explosive projectile vomits.  There would be a few more, some charcoal pills to calm my stomach, some small attempts at meals and drinking, all of which came out undigested...from somewhere or another...over the next 24 hours.

"Oh, you had a 24 hours bug," everyone says with authority, just before walking outside, pointing to the sky and saying "sun"

Thanks for nothing, friends!

Then as I got better, my sickness came back.  Like it was just waiting for the bigger, tougher bully to leave before coming back with the same old snot.


But I got better.  Then the rest of 2014 (before the year of the horse began) was terrible, but somehow we all survived so I'm feeling good.  My 36th year and 4th horse year have been pretty good so far.  But I'll always remember that fateful day where I threw up 4 times and sharted twice.

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